Thursday, April 9, 2015

Hi, opponents.

If you're reading this and you're in the league with me, welcome!

You probably got here thanks to this:

I hope you enjoyed me beating your asses all season, and I also sincerely hope that you read this entire blog and take it in good humour rather than in a personally insulting fashion.

But if you do get insulted, I don't really give a shit.

See ya next year.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Random update!

It's been a long time since I posted, because I'm exceptionally lazy.

It's been a damned dogfight all season. gohabsgo, who I predicted would be my toughest competition, has lived up to the expectations, and we've traded leads for most of the year. The dark horse, Nave31, has held his own and is still within 100 points of top spot.

Here's my roster full of sexy motherfuckers (and Tyler Bozak):

There's actually still been some chatter from these dinks as we enter the home stretch, mostly at the expense of Moves Like Jagr, who laughably thought that he could compete with the powerhouses of the league who paid attention to the scoring settings and drafted accordingly. Now, of course, after he's been sufficiently humbled like an Iron Shiek opponent, he's whining about how he only lost because the draft settings sucked or he was too busy getting fingered in the buttocks or some other pathetic reason.

Shockingly, I wasn't even the one to put him in his place:

Hahaha owned.

ANYWAY obviously I'm still going to win so fuck these guys.

Update later.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Three Day Update, Plethora of Moves

omg first place still
So after three days, I've still managed to keep hold of first place, despite my team sucking bag! I don't think it will last very long, maybe not even past tonight [although I am optimistic], so I'm going to relish it while I can.

I've decided to counteract my "missed the draft" handicap by trying to get goalie points nightly. I'm going to run two goalie starts daily mixed with a full line-up of the B- and C-graded centres left from the waiver pile. Jaro Halak and Roberto Luongo have already joined my team, and I'm hopeful that I can stream in another goalie whenever I have an off-night for the other four clowns.

One douchebag GM who actually had two useful players managed to stop stuffing his face with Hot Pockets long enough to click accept on my trade proposal: Patrick Kane goes to him for Nathan MacKinnon. Mac should've been able to get me some face-off wins, and has the RW eligibilty I need to fill slots.

UNFORTUNATELY, it was too good to be true: the sons of bitches GMs in the league vetoed the trade. What a god damn joke. I called them out on this but none of these cowards have responded, beyond one guy who claimed innocence. That will be addressed further in the next post, about all the little jibes back and forth between myself and a relatively smart guy, and another GM who STILL doesn't get it.

I unfortunately do not see myself being able to trade my way into better players. Yes, there are a handful of fuckwit GMs who have no clue what the hell they're doing, even when it's directly written in nice point form for them [seriously, this happened and one of them STILL argued that the strategy was stupid], but the amount of good centres that are remotely tradeable and are not on the two powerhouse teams is slim: Joe Thornton, Pavel Datsyuk, Paul Stastny, and Henrik Sedin. That's seriously it. And all of these guys are exclusively "C", which is the one area that I don't need them to be.

Well hey who gives a shit I'm in first fuckin place.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Scouting and Berating the Competition

Now that I've inspired a certain amount of fear into the rest of the league, I need to scout some of these teams.

I already know one cat, who calls himself "THE J AND L SNIPERS" is going to be very tough to beat, since he has half of my team from last year and the abrasive asshole persona to match yours truly. But he may not even be the most fearsome team in the league!!! I'll get to that guy in a bit,

First, my absolute favourite part of the draft was that the two other GMs in the league who had experienced my wrath last season DID NOT EVEN DRAFT PROPERLY. The one guy who finished last place by about 3000 points, Nave31, actually tried - he has five C on his team - but he couldn't resist the temptation of drafting non-C because of their flashy names. "Oh, I can get Martin St Louis in round ten???? OKAY DONE."

The other guy, the LEAGUE COMMISSIONER, the one who set the fucking rules in the first place, has three C. He's doomed to a sixth place finish.

Why only sixth place for him? Well... one team drafted one lone C - and it's Pavel Datsyuk, who is on the IR and is old and busted anyway. That guy is finishing last, 100% for sure. He also only drafted two d-men! What an idiot. This other guy drafted two C - Stamkos and Hank Sedin - and that's it. Solid seventh place. Some other dude has three C - Tyler Seguin, Joe Thornton and Nate MacKinnon. I'm currently in the process of trying to screw him out of two of those three. Will update accordingly.

But this other team, "go habs go" [real fucking original] is the team to really beat. Not only did he draft a forward corps made up entirely of face-off specialists, he also drafted Dustin Byfuglien to anchor his D. This guy is going to be really tough to take down. I'll have to use all of my cunning.

My panic is subsiding, however. Without even a game played, I'm confident that I'm in the upper echelon of the teams, maybe as high as third, even if I don't try at all. I just need to micromanage the shit out of my guys in order to stand a chance against the top two.


Season Update 1

Bozak's Hot Show: Back for another season.
Before you read further, or if you're new to the blog, go read last year's first post, where I explain just why I started this blog and why I had so much fun with it. Also, read about the scoring settings of the league and just how ridiculous they are.

You know things were looking #dire after that atrocious excuse for a draft, but I had to make due with what I could.

I picked up Jaroslav Halak, Cody Hodgson and Martin Hanzal, dropping American Hero TJ Oshie and the Scarborough Assassin Wayne Simmonds. These two piles of shit were autodrafted incredibly high for me. God, how pathetic.

But I couldn't show my fear to these plebeians. I needed to show strength, to show courage, to show utter contempt for their continued existences. I also needed to show a cockiness that defied logic because my team is actually brutal and can't compete.

There. That should do it.

2014/15 Draft

So our draft was scheduled for Sunday Oct 5. Unfortunately, the idiot commish didn't bother opening the league up to the public, and we were left with three teams, so Yahoo cancelled the draft. The commish didn't even bother attending, and thus no new date was set.

I check back tonight to see when the new date is and motherfucker, the draft is already going on. This is awful. Terrible. I panic. Oh god.

I join the draft in round fucking 14. 14!!!!!!!!! This is my worst nightmare*. I check out my team and what do I see?

Sidney Crosby and a bunch of wingers. Even my fucking C that were autodrafted for me play wing. NO FUCKING FACEOFF WINS. So I'm naturally panicking. I start browsing other teams, desperate to try and make some deals.

Then some idiot starts chirping about how he's going to walk away with the league and all of the other GMs are idiots.

That's right: there's a me in this draft, and it's not me. This is so fucking meta.

I check out his team, and holy fuck, this guy really IS me!!! Dude has six skaters from my team last year: Claude Giroux, Anze Kopitar, David Backes, Matt Duchene, Mikko Koivu and Shea Weber. That's unbelievable! Almost half his damn roster!

Anyway, so I finish the draft by selecting a bunch of guys who finished top 50 in points last year [that's right, rounds 15-20 in a draft I got five top 50 guys] and take a look at the damage.

This is going to be ugly.

*[it's not nearly close to it, but let's just pretend for the purposes of this post, ok?]

2013 Final Standings


We're back for another year!

Here's the final standings from 2013.

It was a yawner, hence my lack of posts.

This year is going to be something really, really different and it'll actually be a dog fight.